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Fire Pit Tongs Keep Zombies on the Run

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It was a night like any other night: crickets were singing, zombies were moaning just beyond the fire light, and I was feeling romantic. My girlfriend is deathly afraid of zombies, so her, not so much. Everyone knows that the foul creatures avoid fire, so we were perfectly safe as long as we stayed close to the flames, but Alicia can be kind of a downer about sex when there's already moaning going on, and she's not the one doing it. As it turned out, the blaze wasn't quite enough that night, and my fire pit tongs saved both our lives. You have to think of it this way: zombies don't like open flames, but they do appreciate decent fire pit cooking, as long as it's brains that are being cooked. In retrospect, I can see that it kind of foolish serve calf brains roasted over an open flame out there in the back yard, unprotected, but hey, I love calf brains. It has occurred to me since the zombie outbreak that, should they ever catch me and turn me into one of thei...
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Don't You Just Love to Play with Fire?

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The fireplace, whether it's a chiminea, fire pit or campfire, is a place of imagination. When I was a kid, I liked to imagine that I could manipulate the flames with my mind. I would look for faces and animals in the shapes of the charring logs. I would throw things into the fire to see what would happen when different things burn; peanuts, bread, unpopped popcorn. Okay, actually, I still do all these things as an adult. I just love to play with fire . I love watching the unpredictable meanderings of flames and the smell of smoke in my clothes; it gives me an ancestral sense of connection with what it means to be warm and safe. Fire makes my DNA happy at some deep level. But also, I just like to play with it. I'm not the worst firebug in my family. My wife finds the most exaggerated excuses to toss burnables into our backyard chiminea and fire pit. Technically, we should probably be recycling more paper and burning less, but she thinks of herself as some sort of mountai...
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